For years, I had an "anonymous" parenting blog called Two Wittle Monkeys. It was pretty successful, peaking at around 80k readers. Mostly, it was a great space to let loose. I've decided to ressucitate it as I move into the next phase of living and parenting. Here's the first of who knows how many posts. Feel free to follow there or here. xx, T
COMING FULL CIRCLE
It's been years since I've blogged. In fact, I'd let my fields fall fallow. Life has a way of tearing the calendar pages.
I began this blog as a way to vent, journal, and bloviate as I navigated the waters of parenthood. I've learned some truths about myself as a person and mother that are profound and clichéd.
The oldest is in college, which feels miraculous at times. Every step of the way has been challenging, exciting, fraught, and amazing. These incredible people I call my children are a privilege to know.
Along the way, I've grown a bit as a human and evolved into what I hope is an improved, measured, and tempered 2.0.
Current takeaways...
Grace
Extend it, practice it, embrace it. Everyone needs it. I discovered how much I judged myself, which meant I judged others. There's a difference between discernment, judgment, and judgmental. The latter is corrosive.
I used to strive for perfection. It's impossible and unattainable. As a result, I was mired in self-recrimination and a fair amount of self-flagellation. That is a terrible mindset to exist within and one I want avoid modeling for my kids.
I've worked over the years to separate effort from outcome. I have a modicum of control over one and little over the other. That's as it is and how it should be. It allows me to be present in my life and for those most dear.
"Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides." - André Malraux
Assassination of the Ego
It's an ongoing practice. Ego in disproportionate scale serves no one. At the opposite end of the pendulum swing, being a sieve or a doormat serves only transgressors. Releasing a good ration of ego has helped me develop and maintain boundaries and consideration.
I’ve abandoned the compulsion to exert my will over others, nor do I strive to be in control. I know that I don't know everything and that’s okay. In fact, it’s a good thing, cue Martha Stewart. I enjoy saying, "I don't know" as much as I have gained appreciation for saying no.
It's funny how freeing it is to be liberated from premeditating, planning, catastrophizing, and anxiety-inducing vigilance. I can trust myself. As a result, I can be a competent parent. There’s no need to win or teach or exert myself. I can listen and hear. I can support and if asked, I can offer my thoughts and possible options.
I've curtailed the "shoulds" and converted them into "you could considers.” It provides everyone space and agency. It relieves me of having to carry extra water and allows responsibility to rest with the appropriate parties.
"Sleep is the best meditation." - The Dalai Lama
Sleep
I value sleep like my life depends on it, because it does. I love sleeping...no, I adore it. It's the best "self-care" I've undertaken. As I've aged, it's become elusive. A lack of sleep used to be a badge of honor, a gauge of my output or hardiness. Today, it’s an indicator that things need to be addressed. It's my coal mine canary.
My health has been challenged in ways that I would have thought implausible. The shark jump has been epic. As a result, I've become that person who guards their peace with ferocity. When I'm out of service, it’s like losing a rudder.
"True friendship resists time, distance and silence."
– Isabel Allende
Relationships/Friendships
Woooo. This has been an interesting journey. I've culled, embraced, shed, welcomed, ghosted, and been ghosted. The rollercoaster was real, but where I find myself is a rich and supportive place.
I've been a community builder for decades. I've done it on a micro and macro scale. For a while, I was in the business of community building. That's an entry unto itself. The result is that I've had the fortune to dig into relationship dynamics and learned what works for me, what I need to work on, and where I can have an impact.
I'm an extroverted introvert. This means I must be mindful of my time and energetic output. I recognize that there remain blind spots that will send me up a tree. There are residual spring-loaded buttons that, when pushed, release a crazy Jack-in-the-Box that I'd love to exile to another planet.
That said, I believe I’m a better friend. There is no obligation to be what others need. I am who I need me to be and presenting that to the world eliminates the need to send my “representative” self. That works for the other person or it doesn't. I do my best to maintain respect and mutual dignity, which speaks to the previous points of grace, death of Ego, and sleep. No one is at their best when they're exhausted.
“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”
― Nina Simone
Love
I used to say the word love a lot. I think that's because I hadn't been shown a lot of healthy love. I thought love meant suffering, sacrifice, unconditional and boundaryless. Yes, I know that last one isn't a word, but it captures the mindset I espoused.
I like a lot of people. I like some people a lot. I love a few people and it's a healthy love...for them and me. The great discovery is that I love myself.
As a result, my love does have boundaries. It is conditional. There is no prerequisite of sacrifice or suffering. This doesn't mean that I won't endure intensity, hardship or challenges. I will, BUT it will be a conscious decision and choice.
The idea that the only people who hate boundaries are those who benefited from the lack of them could be a tattoo. It's healthy to say no when necessary. It's imperative to hear and accept no from others when they need to say it. Love must be conditional, in most cases. Unless sainthood is your goal, none of us are meant to be martyrs or abused. That's been a real eye opener.
“[T]he road to hell is paved with adverbs.” ― Stephen King
Killing Adverbs
This may seem ridiculous, but it's important. I've written a novel. It'll be coming out in 2025. When I wrote the first draft, it was a lot like childbirth. I cooked it up and pooped it out (think "Surf's Up" with the penguins).
I thought I was done. I figured, oh there will be some typos and a few things to change.
What a sweet summer child I was.
The real work was to come. In fact, I remain embroiled. One of the biggest hurdles was to kill as many adverbs possible. When overused, they're a crutch. They nullify verbs. They're passive. They're lazy. They're imprecise. Guess what, so was I.
Killing the adverbs required me to be specific. It meant being honest, which is terrifying. I had to examine my self on and off the page. Why did I try to shorthand through the hard stuff? What was I unwilling to say and why? It forced a reckoning, which is ongoing.
No one wants to stand naked in front of millions of strangers. Well, some do, but I’ll pass. Horror of horrors, that's what writing requires, at least the way I'm trying to write.
I'm grateful that I have access to good mental health care. Gratitude to the insurance gods and employer subsidized benefits. I've spent hundreds of hours in therapy to work through my sh*t...and there is a lot of it.
It has helped my writing and my life. No hiding behind a surfeit of -lys. In fact, I'm reconsidering my relationship with gerunds aka -ing. We'll see how that progresses.
In short, I've become a little "woo-woo,” but a lot less crazy. I hope that makes me a decent parent, partner, and friend. Time will tell and much will be revealed.
Stay safe and sane,
Mo'M
Mama o' Monkeys
PS: This entry contains 12 adverbs.
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